How to own the libs this Christmas

Eight tips to make insufferable young progressives look like the bad guy

Soon it will be the season of Advent. This means it is almost time for the annual harvest of self-help columns by and for progressive New Zealanders. As they offer each other advice on how to endure the Christmas lunch gauntlet with conservative or reactionary uncles, we must also prepare ourselves for the festive face-off.

Precocious liberals are insufferably self-righteous. We all know that. But we should never losee fact of the sight that the most important thing isn't to win the argument with them. It is instead our solemn duty to make them lose their temper and look bad in front of the rest of the family.

Because as much as we may try, it's unlikely that this Christmas will be the time that your liberal nephew suddenly sees the light of common sense. That’s why the performance isn't for his benefit. No, the true audience are the other extended family members, watching from the sidelines.

Maximum condescension: The best possible method remains to be as condescending and patronising as possible. When confronted with some progressive bromide, make a show of gently chuckling before complimenting your interlocutor on how you admire their passion.

Here are some good lines to memorise:

• "It's great to see you so engaged. You remind me so much of myself at your age!"

• “Okay. One day, you'll understand."

• “No need to raise your voice.”

• "I didn't realise you were an expert on this, too."

• “That’s such an… interesting opinion.”

• “Thanks for the feedback.”

• “I can see you’re getting a little excited.”

Concede meaningless points to appear reasonable: Don’t forget the power of strategic concession. While commending the passion behind their arguments, make a big deal about agreeing ancillary points that don’t actually matter. This not only makes you appear reasonable and open-minded but also sets up a contrast when you later express your differing viewpoints that makes your position sound more complex and sophisticated.

Be like Socrates: Wherever you can, employ questions instead of statements. This allows you to steer the conversation subtly without appearing confrontational. This helps ensure you continue to look like the good guy.

Pretend not to understand a point, forcing your young relative to simplify their argument. This often leads them to state their position in more basic terms. Then, when they’ve done this, declare their argument to be simplistic.

Feign concern: If the relative persists with their point, adopt a tone of gentle concern. Suggest that their strong feelings on the matter might be clouding their judgment or that they're overlooking practical considerations. Make sure you sound like the voice of reason and experience, concerned not with winning an argument, but with the well-being and balance of the discussion.

Appeal to popularity: This year, you can also appeal to the election. "Well, that's why Labour got hammered" can be used to assert the dominance of conservative ideas. Each talk veers towards some scathing critique of right-leaning policies, take the opportunity to serve up a potent reminder of the electorate's preference. Note that the public has already vetted and rejected the alternatives offered by your relatives and make a point of noticing that he or she seems to be out of touch with mainstream opinion).

A word of caution though: don’t overuse this one. For all we know National will lose the next election and when that happens, you don’t want this line to have been your most memorable one. This is your family and there will be return engagements - so don’t make a rod for your own back.

Call in the support of popular family members: The grandparents can be excellent here. We’ve all seen the voting statistics, the older you get, the more conservative bent you’re likely to have become. Most old people have had at least a few “problematic” thoughts over their long lives.

But most importantly, grandparents typically hold a special place in the hearts of younger family members, who often view them with a fondness and respect not extended to your generation. Weaponise this emotional bond by making the grandparents your formidable allies in debate.

Leveraging this dynamic can be especially effective; it not only bolsters your position with the backing of respected family members while also making it harder for younger liberals to respond.

Be prepared for the low blow: Now, at some point, you’re probably going to be accused of being a misogynist or a bigot (or both). There’s probably nothing you can do to avoid this, because progressives think everyone who disagrees with them is a bigot. The most important thing to do here is to not become defensive.

Instead, turn the tables by accusing your relative of being cynical. This looks something like this:

You: “I’m not sure it’s the best idea for government agencies to only use their te reo names to the absolute exclusion of their English names.”

Relative: "That's a bigoted viewpoint. I can't believe you would say something like that."

You : "I have to say I am surprised at your response. I was expressing a perspective, not attacking anyone. It seems rather cynical to immediately assume the worst in people's intentions. Don't you think it's important to have open discussions without jumping to conclusions?"

Play the sympathy card: If things start to get heated, get in quickly with an apology to the rest of the table. This allows you to position yourself as the underdog generating sympathy from other family members. This move also places you on the moral high ground, making any continued aggression from your opponent seem unreasonable. If you can, try to orient your “apology” towards the mother or father of the liberal youngster.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Remember, the aim isn’t to stop Christmas from being ruined. Quite the opposite. The aim is for Christmas to be ruined and for your lib relative to get the blame.

Keep calm, always be trolling and maintain plausible deniability. Always ensure you are seen as the injured party. And always shoot them a smug smirk when nobody else is watching.