Parliamentary Dormitory Enquiries

Camryn Brown, Liam Hehir, and Dean Nimbly

Jun 12, 2024

A cartoon depiction of the Beehive in New Zealand transformed into a college dormitory. The Beehive building should have elements such as laundry hanging from windows, students chatting and playing games outside, a bicycle leaning against the building, and a notice board with various flyers. The scene should be lively and humorous, capturing the essence of a bustling college dorm environment.

In a long overdue move to address housing challenges faced by current and former Members of Parliament, the Government has announced the opening of a new dormitory facility within the Parliament precinct.

The facility promises to provide a comfortable and convenient living arrangement, sparing our lawmakers (and therefore taxpayers) from the exorbitant costs of the Wellington housing market. As expected, the announcement has generated a flood of queries from MPs keen to secure their spot but querying some of the details.

Hey Team,

Against my better judgment, I'm putting my hand up to be the Residents Association President. If no one else wants the job, I'll do it. Or if I am the best person for the job, which I think I probably am. Reluctantly.

Cheers,

Chlöe

Could you tell me how sturdy the beds are?

Thanks,

Sam Uffindell

Hi there,

Just checking, how long is the standard term for staying in the dormitory? Not that I'm planning to leave anytime soon.

Best,

Darleen Tana

G’day,

Are blokes allowed to sublet rooms? Sometimes my wife might want to stay over and I need to know if I can charge the Sheilla rent. Fair dinkum.

Also what’s the sitch with dry cleaning? I don’t want to pay $350 for a Swandri only to have you guys skimp on the fabric softener. Strewth!

Also, very keen on the unit Chippy’s already booked. Any chance of a swap?

Ta,

Kieran McAnulty (Go the Bush!)

To Whom It May Concern,

What is this about a "no bikes in the lift" policy? This is outrageous! How else am I supposed to get my bike to my room? What the Hell is wrong with you? Can you please give me the manager’s phone number?

Fuming,

Julie Anne Genter

Dear Enquiries,

Could you please confirm if the stairs have sturdy handrails?

Best,

Mark Blumsky

Kia Ora,

I hope this missive finds you in good spirits. I am writing to seek clarification regarding the recent updates to the in-room entertainment systems within our new parliamentary dormitories. I am keen to ascertain the variety of channels now available to us, including on demand entertainment. I have a deep appreciation for the pay-per-view arts and wish desire to remain well-informed on the latest releases in that field.

Yours faithfully,
Shane Jones

Tēnā koe,

I must protest the lack of storage space in the units, which calls into question the commitment of the dormitory to te tiriti o Waitangi. It appears to be perpetuating systemic inequalities. Could you clarify what you will do to address this structural racism?

nga mihi,
Rawiri Waititi

Good morning,

Do I need to provide a parental permission slip to stay in the dormitory? Is it okay if just my mum signs or do you need dad too?

Sincerely,
Simeon Brown

Dear Management,

I would like to know if it's possible to enrol under a different name to the one I was elected under? I can provide matching ID.

Thanks in advance,
David Garrett

Hello,

Can you provide a detailed map of all CCTV camera locations within the dormitory?

Thank you,

Golriz Ghahraman

Hello,

What are the rules about operating a business out of a unit? Can try to be discreet but no promises.

Jami-Lee Ross

Hi,

Could you please provide information on the dormitory’s wiring surge protection measures?

Thank you,

Maureen Pugh

Good morning,

Are we able to hire our own contractors to refurbish the bathrooms? I can get a great deal on the tiling.

Warm regards,

Taito Philip Field

Greetings,

I realise I am not an MP or former MP, but are the meeting rooms available for use by the general public?

Len Brown

Hi there,

I reserved a room but I’m told Kieran McAnulty is plotting to take it off me. Can you confirm this isn’t the case?

Chris Hipkins

Talofa,

Could you please confirm the level of soundproofing in the rooms? It’s important for me to have a quiet environment and I haven’t got around to crushing the boy racer fleet yet.

Best regards,

Judith Collins

Good morning,

When I was CEO of Air New Zealand, profits grew to record levels and we were named Australia's most trusted brand on multiple occasions. Just thought I should let you know.

Christopher Luxon

Hey,

How many floors are the dorms going to be? I’m not against more density in theory, just in practice. How are you going to guarantee Thorndon property values won’t take a bit? Can we exclude the dormitories from the Wellington College school zone?

David Seymour

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to inquire whether there is an exchange programme available for British MPs looking to experience living abroad for a period. I’m having a rough time at the moment and feel a change of scenery might be beneficial. Any information you could provide on this would be greatly appreciated.

Rishi Sunak

A guest post by

Dean Nimbly

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